Dirty Window
by Austin Blake
Summary: Angel's POV after the season finale of Season 4 and the resulting actions.


DISCLAIMER: Not mine. But I'ma use 'em anyway.  
  
DEDICATION: To all those that kept reading my old fics and reviewing them. I haven't posted anything in over a year, and nothing good in about two. Here I go.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Set after the season finale of Angel, Season 4. Lyrics are Metallica ("Frantic", "Dirty Window", "The Unnamed Feeling" ). POV is Angel's.  
  
NOTE #2: Sorry I'm too lazy to update the profile.  
  
DIRTY WINDOW  
  
//Do I have the strength to know how I'll go? Can I find it inside to deal with what I shouldn't know...?//  
  
I've never been a pure man of anything. Never really believed myself to be a good man. Now it's official. They've gotten to me, gotten to us...this was a buy-off, to see how well our high and mighty preachy white hat morals stood up under pressure. And we bought into it. We took a reward from the wrong side, conning ourselves into believing it was for the greater good, when deep down we were just beaming smiles at the face of evil for showing us the recognition the Powers hadn't. We've been corrupted. Like a big blotch on a stained glass window. It doesn't seem like it bothers anyone but me...but I have to keep the granite face in the matter, fearless leader and all. I wonder if it's nagging at anyone else like it is me. Because I realize they exploited our greatest weaknesses in order to get us to comply. They exploited mine. Bastards. Devious sons of bitches knew that all they had to do was mention her name and I was putty in their hands.  
  
Buffy.  
  
Did I buy into all this just for the chance to see her again? Did I just throw away any chance of redemption, making all past efforts for nothing, all to be in her presense, to touch her again? Sad, but true...I did. They knew I would. Staunt defender of truth and justice in the face of the blackest of Apocalypses, but I melt when confronted with those beautiful green eyes.  
  
//I'm frantic in your soothing arms, I cannot sleep in this down-filled world...found safety in this loneliness, but I cannot stand it anymore...cross my heart, hope not to die...swallow evil, ride the sky...lose myself in crowded room...you fool, you fool, it'll be here soon...//  
  
People...or remnants of people...circulate all around me, asking me what I need them to do. I just ignore them...I can't escape the sinking feeling that I just damned myself and those I care about because I want her so much. They all could have been close to the edge, but if I'd have refused, they'd have followed, even if it would have been reluctantly. The reason we're in this mess is because of me. Might as well give me the black hat and curly mustache and have me hovering over a girl tied to the train tracks. I've become nothing better than that which I battled every night since she came into my life. Fear creeps into my thought...what if one day she has to face me because of the choice I made? Not Angelus...but me...if she'll be able to recognize the difference by then.  
  
No one looking on at my quiet, seemingly peaceful walking form would ever suspect the torrent of emotions and thoughts whirling in my mind. My psyche's become more muddled than I've ever known it. There's no black or white anymore...I don't know what I am...what I'll become...God, this building is filled with so much grey. I can't remember the last time I had a moment of clarity. Maybe that's the point of this little "gift". Some sort of hellish prison they built to amplify the hell in my own mind. Suffer, Soulboy...suffer for ever defying us in the first place.  
  
Clarity. The word I never knew the meaning of until our bodies were entwined in that primal rhythm so new to her at the time, but so familiar...so timeless. Stars exploded behind my eyes, and my heart broke...because I knew then my purpose...to love her, to keep her from the harshness of the world...never had my thought been so precise. But after I lost my soul to her, I lost my purpose as well. It was a downhill spiral from there.  
  
I've been walking on autopilot, making my routine through the offices without so much as a word. When I come to my senses, I realize I'm at the glass revolving doors. The exit...the doors swing both ways. What can be done, can be undone. What is wronged can be righted. What is damned...can be redeemed.  
  
I don't care if I ever become human anymore...if I'm never more than some demon who tried to make a difference while clinging to the dark of night, so be it. I'd rather be black than bathed in grey. I'd rather know who I am, who I'll be, and that she'll love that version of me. Because he was a good man. As pure as he could be.  
  
Deathly silence fills the building as I step out. Everyone's stopped what they were doing to look at me...and I can feel my former comrades' eyes at my back. Staring. Wondering. But I don't look back. And never will again. I know what I am...I just hope the rest of them find themselves as well. It's up to them how they turn out. A man's destiny is in his own hands...it's just a matter of how he uses it. And I'm using mine to find my way back to her.  
  
I am a vampire with a soul.  
  
I have killed thousands of innocent people.  
  
I am fighting to redeem myself to the Powers...and to her.  
  
I am struggling to forgive myself.  
  
//I'm judge and I'm jury and I'm executioner too.//  
  
I may never see the sun again.  
  
But I can live with that.  
  
//I see my reflection in the window...it looks different, so different than what you see  
  
Projecting judgment on the world...This house is clean, baby...this house is clean.// 


End file.
